Are you in the middle of a job search? Or maybe client creation for your business?

They say you need to tap into your network in these situations. And I agree. But I’ve learned that it doesn’t always work the way you think it should.

See, most of us look to our inner circle – family, close friends, the colleagues we worked with most recently or most closely. But I’ve found that it’s often not the inner circle, but rather the outer bands, where our network comes through.

That feels counterintuitive. We think, “Shouldn’t the people who know me best be my biggest allies, supporters, and promoters?” Maybe. But it’s also okay if they aren’t. Rather than be disappointed when the ones you think should be willing and able to help don’t, let’s reframe how we think about our network.

I’ve worked with a lot of people who are ready for a career change or in the job market. It’s a place I know very well myself. So I get the frustration. Cold applying to those LinkedIn and Indeed jobs feels like your precious resume and cover letter simply gets swallowed up by another Workday and Success Factors hole. Sometimes the black hole actually leads to something – I got my last corporate job cold. But in can be rare and lengthy. So let’s talk about what it really means to  “get a foot in the door” or that “it’s all about who you know.” 

While studying political science in college I read Chris Matthew’s book “Hardball,” an analyst with a cable news show of the same name. Each chapter represented a different lesson. The chapter and lesson that stuck with me is “It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Get to Know,” and it is something I have kept firmly planted in mind throughout my career. The idea that everyone gets a job because of a family friend or business acquaintance simply isn’t true. Most people who build a career or business on relationships do so by creating their own relationships, one at a time. Not simply by name or proximity.

My latest “aha” on the subject of “it’s not who you know, it’s who you get to know” is that your inner circle may be full of amazing people who know you deeply and think the world of you. And, the opportunities may lie in the outer rings of your network, not the inner circle.

Let’s get practical. If you’re job hunting or building clients, here’s what I want you to do:

1. Start a list of people you genuinely want to talk to. This is a relationship list, not a job hunting list, not a who-can-help-me list, not a potential client list. No. These are people you want to stay in touch with, who you enjoy talking to, that you genuinely like.

This is where you start to remember how many people you’ve encountered in different areas of your life. Sure, your inner circle will come to mind first, but look to those outer rings – there are a lot of people who know you, remember you, trust you, and like you. And likewise you with them. This list might include a fellow dad at soccer, a mutual friend, a colleague from 5 years ago.

2. Reach out with the sole purpose of maintaining the relationship. You don’t need to be an extrovert to be good at maintaining relationships. And social media has made that so much easier. Stay in touch. Send a text. Invite someone to meet for coffee or lunch. Hop on a Zoom, it’s so normal these days! Actually use those LinkedIn connections and comment on someone’s post or message a personal congratulations note. Talk to the neighbor walking the dog or the PTO mom (scary I know)! 
3. When you talk, be genuinely curious about what they’re up to. On paternity leave? Starting a business? Still at the same company after 10 years? Talk about it. And when they inevitably ask what you’re up to, tell them. Tell them what you’re aspiring to do. If there’s something specific you think they can do to help you, ask the question.

And here’s the last one. It’s not a do, it’s a be.

4. Be the person who reaches out and connects. I know it will feel weird and first and maybe slightly awkward depending on the person. Maybe you think “I’m not the person who does that.” Well, be that person. And you’ll find you become that. In your own way.

Trust me, I’m not the person who plans happy hours, girls’ trips, group dinners, or generally anything extroverted. And, I’ve had to become the person who connects, in ways that feel sincere to me. In order to become a credentialed coach I had to acquire 100 hours of coaching real clients, I had to be someone who connected and spoke about my work. I moved to another country where I knew absolutely no one. I had to find a job and create a career. And the same when I moved back (to a city where I wasn’t from and my resume was weird to people). I’m doing it again now, as I commit to my business and also seek work opportunities. If I can do it, you can too.

As a final word – some people will disappoint you. And some will surprise you. Try not to judge the ones who disappoint you, they simply might not be able to help. And be open to those who might surprise you – it could be someone from grad school, the friend of a client, a neighbor who started as an acquaintance. You don’t know until you connect.